開演前、１時間３０分
8 February 2010 03:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fencer_xI don't think I've ever looked forward to a senshuuraku less :(
I don't know what it is--well, that's a lie. I know exactly what it is, and I know exactly why I feel this way, and it fucking sucks. I know I should suck it up and realize that the guys themselves have it a lot worse, but...it's just. This was one of those big things in my life.
I moved to Japan for three big reasons, I feel like: Tuti/Nagayan, Eiji/Daiki, and *pnish*. And the only thing that I could always count on to keep Tuti and Nagayan performing together was BuriMyu. Now that it's ending tonight (T-minus 1.5 hours until curtain), that's going to be gone. Forever maybe. This huge part of what makes me happy and keeps me here in Tokyo with at least some sort of minor goal in life...is about to be gone. I feel a little lost, honestly :/
I'll still have *pnish*, I suppose...they're actually the only thing that's going to still be the same. When BuriMyu ends, when TeniMyu starts all over again, when none of the people I like are castmates anymore...Daiki, Eiji, Tuti, and Wasshi will still be planning Ons and honkouens for at least a little while longer, we can hope.
I didn't feel like this with their TeniMyu graduation because 1: I didn't know that much about them or TeniMyu back then, and 2: it was a world away, in a language I didn't fully understand, and it was so easy to distance myself from it. I didn't feel this way with DX's senshuuraku because like every BuriMyu that came before it, you didn't get any definite closure, there was no sense of finality, only a sense of waiting, waiting until the next performance was suddenly announced on the Nelke homepage or MyuLife.
All I have to do is take a moment to think that I'm never going to get to see these guys together again in these roles on stage, these roles that I've grown so used to seeing them in--far more used to seeing them in than ANY other role ever, because they've for the most part played these characters for five years. Not a year and a half or two like TeniMyu. Five. Tacchan couldn't even drink when he started!
I've invested more of myself in this musical series than I ever did in TeniMyu, and it shows in the fact that I've had to start a new paragraph in this post every time I start to cry because it gets too hard to write about any one topic for too long without doing so.
I think my coworkers are getting curious now >_>
I really want to be happy tonight and enjoy the show and smile and be excited and clap, but I don't think I can, so...apologies in advance to those of you around me :P If I'm quiet, it's not because I'm angry or moody or anything, I just need to be alone with my thoughts for a little while :P
Hopefully my official post to the comm won't be this weepy XD;
I don't know what it is--well, that's a lie. I know exactly what it is, and I know exactly why I feel this way, and it fucking sucks. I know I should suck it up and realize that the guys themselves have it a lot worse, but...it's just. This was one of those big things in my life.
I moved to Japan for three big reasons, I feel like: Tuti/Nagayan, Eiji/Daiki, and *pnish*. And the only thing that I could always count on to keep Tuti and Nagayan performing together was BuriMyu. Now that it's ending tonight (T-minus 1.5 hours until curtain), that's going to be gone. Forever maybe. This huge part of what makes me happy and keeps me here in Tokyo with at least some sort of minor goal in life...is about to be gone. I feel a little lost, honestly :/
I'll still have *pnish*, I suppose...they're actually the only thing that's going to still be the same. When BuriMyu ends, when TeniMyu starts all over again, when none of the people I like are castmates anymore...Daiki, Eiji, Tuti, and Wasshi will still be planning Ons and honkouens for at least a little while longer, we can hope.
I didn't feel like this with their TeniMyu graduation because 1: I didn't know that much about them or TeniMyu back then, and 2: it was a world away, in a language I didn't fully understand, and it was so easy to distance myself from it. I didn't feel this way with DX's senshuuraku because like every BuriMyu that came before it, you didn't get any definite closure, there was no sense of finality, only a sense of waiting, waiting until the next performance was suddenly announced on the Nelke homepage or MyuLife.
All I have to do is take a moment to think that I'm never going to get to see these guys together again in these roles on stage, these roles that I've grown so used to seeing them in--far more used to seeing them in than ANY other role ever, because they've for the most part played these characters for five years. Not a year and a half or two like TeniMyu. Five. Tacchan couldn't even drink when he started!
I've invested more of myself in this musical series than I ever did in TeniMyu, and it shows in the fact that I've had to start a new paragraph in this post every time I start to cry because it gets too hard to write about any one topic for too long without doing so.
I think my coworkers are getting curious now >_>
I really want to be happy tonight and enjoy the show and smile and be excited and clap, but I don't think I can, so...apologies in advance to those of you around me :P If I'm quiet, it's not because I'm angry or moody or anything, I just need to be alone with my thoughts for a little while :P
Hopefully my official post to the comm won't be this weepy XD;
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no subject
Date: 2010-02-08 08:24 am (UTC)I hope you get to have fun with this performance, though.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-08 10:28 am (UTC)I think in your sort of very-very heart-breaking essay this line about Tacchan sounds as the strongest for it has accumulated all the sadness of the post in itself, it sounded like a crucial point to me and I nearly burst out crying myself.
That's what happens when you've been a fan of a band/artist/singer etc for many years and then suddenly they disappears from stage. it's like an exploaded bomb, it's shocking and it's beyond tears, and no one or nothing can help. And your world gradually fills with sorrow. And i know what it feels like. You're lost and downcast and the only ray of light that kept you going has now vanished. It's depressing. And I won't give no advice or anything... You know yourself that life goes on and we have to struggle thru it and find new rays of sunshine that would keep us cheerful and make us keep our chins up. It's Ok. Don't be moody^^